Saturday, August 20, 2016

The Reason FOR is the reason WHY

Always struggling with my Adult ADD...getting so much better in many areas, but remaining unchanged in many as well. Consistency and procrastination are my very biggest issues. As a freelance writer, daily writing is a necessary activity to exercise my craft and polish it...and this blog was intended to be a perfect place to do just ironic...the subject of the blog is the reason I have difficulty writing it. *Sigh*
Well, time to commit a little bit in more areas of my life. I think I avoid commitment to activities sometimes because I fear the drain they will have on my already dwindled time. I've made a couple pretty large ones lately, but that doesn't mean I can't make small ones, because ones like writing every day actually enrich my life, my time, and my purpose. This blog should be touched upon at least three times a week. It was created in order to share my ADD struggles with others...but so far all I've shared is that I'm inconsistent with follow through. And yes, that IS a worthy lesson...

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


So, I am preparing for a three day trip into the state next to mine, to meet family i've never met, and to see the ocean for a day. My 13 year old son and 8 year old granddaughter are going with me. My hotel reservations are made.
And that's it......
I have tons of things to get done and I leave in two days. My boyfriend will be here to take care of my elderly dog. I need to make sure all 8 of her incontinence pads are washed (I wash all 8 about every 2 days) and I need to do the last of the laundry,  and go over all my car's fluids and tires etc. Also have to clean the darn thing. Keeping a sparkling trash-free car is definitely not my strong point. I have to make sure I have the appropriate spending and emergency money out of the bank, make lists of what to pack, and actually pack.
I also want to do a light cleaning before I go...
Oh, and color the gray out of my hair...

So here I sit...tired from working night shift and only getting 4 hours of sleep a day, and agonizing over all the "stuff" I have to do.

My "ADD voice" in my head says that it is only Tuesday afternoon (I leave Thursday early evening)
I hate my ADD voice.
And I hate that nothing is ever urgent until it's so close that my nose is touching it! It's my worst struggle.

They say nothing accomplishes things as well as the LAST MINUTE...
Oh how I identify!

Friday, February 6, 2015

Doing Good...

So I'm doing pretty good.
Got my youngest's room in order, bought a mattress, received our house guest. Did a pretty thorough housecleaning.
The challenge is upkeep...
My mom taught me this...clean up as you go.
Good days and bad...but plugging along...

Monday, January 19, 2015

Rising to a Challenge


      So yesterday the Christmas decorations finally got taken even packed and into the cellar. The whole while I was thinking..."less next year."  Oh well... Still have to reorganize and clean better.
      The next two weeks are going to be a challenge. I am going to rise up to meet it. My boyfriend's 21 yr old son who lives pretty far away and whom he sees about once a year, is coming to visit for two weeks. This occurs in two weeks from now. My youngest son Nick's small bedroom was pretty much destroyed by ceiling leaks over the last 2 years and he couldn't use it anymore...but now I am pressed. Time to get him his room back and what better inspiration than the pressing urgency of a coming guest?
      My boyfriend will help me, but he is busy too same as me, so this next two weeks we need to do treatments/shampooing of DEEP cleaning, and scrub everything, plus get a mattress too. Repair of the ceiling will have to wait...
      Wish me luck...

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Foot Stuck up my Arse


So apparently the best foot that I put forward one week ago, somewhere along the line got stuck up my arse.
Tree went down last Thursday as planned...but the packed ornament box still sits in the corner...and all the Christmas decorations are still up.
One week later.
The get up and go of that day, got up and left. I did manage to keep my nose above water all week and take care of the necessities, but that's not enough...for me anyway.
Procrastination. Lack of motivation, sleep and time.
My night shift work schedule, although I love it for the most part, does have its drawbacks, the main one being when and how much to sleep. I make due with little, and I hate sleeping all day, then waking up to chores and dinner time, and the looming knowledge that it feels like I shortly must return to work.
My ADD mind whispers in my ear, "Why bother?"
I have this weird thing...if I don't have a vast expanse of time before me to do a bunch of things, I feel like it's not worth starting. I know that is both silly and unproductive, but it is always there.
The key is motivation. It isn't something I can force, or just talk myself into, or muster up out of the blue. Like a surprise thunderstorm, it simply hits me, and sometimes not at a convenient time.
Guess I need to work on that...use it when it's plentiful, and stop kicking myself in the behind when it's no where to be found.
So today I'll try again.
Push, force myself, Git'er done.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Best Foot Forward


So today I decided to put my best foot forward...does not really matter which foot it was, they both are connected to me and my ADD...but as long as one is stepping forward is all that matters.
I've been in quite a funk for a few weeks.
I know the impending holidays had much to do with it, even though I say I won't get caught up in it, I do. I'm not all about the gifts and money aspect, and I hate the commercialism side of it, but I do enjoy giving to others and especially to the kids and grand kids. So there is trying to save, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and all of that, finding time to shop, DOING the actual shopping, wrapping, planning, scheduling, decorating bla bla bla.
Today I am reverting back to a trick that has always helped me...setting goals for the day. Ideally they should be small goals, but today, since things are pretty much in disarray around here, they are big. The kitchen has once more become a disaster. I KNOW dirty dishes are capable of reproducing themselves...they HAVE to be because where do they keep coming from? Oh yea, because I don't practice another "trick" taught to me by my mom...clean up as you go. I do well for a while...I really do...then "something" happens and I lose my follow-through. The result: an entire kitchen full of dishes and counter tops full of hardened spills.
This is ADD for me...lots of good intentions...much trouble carrying them out.
The other goal for today is getting my Christmas tree "undecorated", down, and out to the sidewalk. I don't HAVE to do it today. The world won't end if I don't, but the garbage goes out tonight and the tree gets picked up with it as well on that day. So my motivation is not wanting it out there blowing around and shedding needles for another whole week. I also know the livingroom will look much less threatening with that big empty space there. I hope against hope that the site of a more open room will motivate more "undecorating" and subsequent cleaning.
Hope against hope.
The task though is overwhelming. The thick trail of needles through the living room that my broken down sweeper will resist sucking up, bringing boxes from the cellar  and putting all the ornaments away, taking them back down.
(mental note to resist at all costs stacking the packed boxes by the cellar door until "later")

I set my goals this morning...then I got the idea to start an ADD blog.
Red flag distraction.
But I did initiate the new blog in record time. It was difficult to resist going into all the special design options. I could easily sit here all day doing of my "hyperfocus areas" is computer and blog crafting. But I was able to contain myself, keeping in mind that best foot I decided to put forward, and I kept it simple.
Then, I'm happy to report, I got all the dishes done and put away. Well all except for the silverware...still working on that. I usually lose my "dishes" motivation by the time I get to the silverware and leave it for later. Later is usually when someone complains there are no clean forks.
I also folded a load of wash that was piled next to the dryer on a chair for a week. YAY! And washed a load of my elderly dog's incontinence pads. (Hopefully I remember to transfer them to the dryer before they dry in the washer)
All that's left that is a real necessity is cleaning the counter tops.
In the kitchen.
I also folded blankets that were crumpled on the furniture and gathered trash...and WHAT...more cups? I'm working on clearing the dining room table off so I can have room to pile ornaments on and put away. In between I ate standing up...pork and sauerkraut a week old...tasted ok...I guess it was ok. I suppose I'll find out if it wasn't.
Now the tree.
I'll check back with my progress...

Well...about five hours later the tree is out on the sidewalk. I'm exhausted and my back hurts. I had no sleep (I work nights) and so I'm thinking I should probably get my nap in before I go back in tonight...
I skimp on sleep regularly. I feel like I'm wasting time and missing something when I sleep...and I AM...I'm missing sleep, but not wasting any more time than I do while fact not nearly any at all! For me to see it that way with complete dedication though...not happening soon...

Thanx for sharing my day...nap time...

Where I Stand Now...

     As my friends in my ADD support groups know, I've been doing really well getting a handle on things in approx. the last 6 months...using tools I've found by myself and with the help of others.  Things such as healthier eating, meditation and positive thinking...until about 3 weeks ago...
    I've been in an awful funk and struggling majorly with things...procrastination, confusion, depression, brain fog, lack of motivation, poor conception of time, forgetfulness, mood swings.
    I just love when ppl think ADD/ADHD is just all about either distraction or hyperactivity, and then proceed to judge you either verbally or just by their eye-rolling attitudes and facial expression. It really pisses me off cuz these smug ppl think they know it all and really know zero. It isn't pleasant to battle this all the time. 
   Yesterday I sat here and cried because I feel so useless to myself, and I know it is my old ADD tapes playing in my head...the stuff you get bashed with since childhood..."Just try harder" "you're just lazy" "what are you doing, pay attention" "you're an airhead" "you just don't care"...
   My boyfriend TJ has ADD too and its at least comforting having someone who I can recognize my own symptoms in...some of his are worse than mine, some of mine are worse than his. Feels good to understand each other and laugh together over some of it. But his mom sadly is real bad with it and my heart goes out to her every time I see her. I understand EXACTLY why and what she is doing when she collects things, spends copious amounts of time picking through things but never getting anywhere, or gets distracted by things and gets totally side-tracked.
  People need to stop judging and understand this disorder...

    The woman in this picture is the epitomy of how I feel so very much of my time...